A friend this morning was telling me how he felt like his parents had opposite traits of each other, and how he got some of both. I have often felt the same way. Relative to my parents, I actually feel pretty well balanced.
And yet, I have some lopsided traits of my own, and I have noticed I tend to seek out partners who complement me.
Which is probably what my parents did, and my parents’ parents, and theirs before them.
The pattern, it would seem, has repeated for as long as I can imagine. It might balance kids out, but it doesn’t seem to make anyone whole.
At least not wholeness as I have previously defined it for myself. My old view of wholeness looked more like perfection than like anything human. To me, it meant not having any issues, or having already resolved every challenging thing about my personality. That’s what I was striving to do through my spiritual and self-development work.
Which, as I say it out loud, makes me laugh a little. It’s impossible. And obviously so.
What I’m coming to now is greater acceptance of my limitations. I’d still like to grow, and for my limitations to become less, well, limiting. But I think it might serve me better to focus more on loving and accepting myself as I am.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I for everybody? Also no.
I have some mix of qualities. Some are easy to love, some are harder. Some will find it easy to love and appreciate me. Others will find it downright difficult. That’s ok.
We aren’t really asked to be perfect. No one ever asked me to do so, at any rate. It was just some idea I latched onto as a kid in my search for safety and acceptance. If only I can just be good enough, then I will never have to fear rejection.
Being perfect looks like being all things to all people. But that’s not really for humans to do. When people try, it bleaches out their personality. They are not “all things to all people,” but “nothing, to nobody.” Such a feat is beyond our grasp. You’d have to be some sort of infinite, all-knowing, ever-present being to pull that off. And you are not God.
The good news is that nobody else is either.
We’re all just flawed, limited people with our lopsided personalities, bumbling around, trying our best. And that’s all we’re really asked to do.
We’re not asked to be everything. We’re only asked to be ourselves. That’s great news, actually.
Being yourself takes courage, as well as faith that doing so will work out. It takes honesty, self-reflection, and a desire for the truth. It is easy and tempting to try to be someone else, to copy pre-existing patterns you see out in the world. But being yourself means you can’t copy off anybody else, you have to create something new with your life.
In fact, I think that’s what we’re here to do.